Backronym Programming Language Poetry
A Collection of Backronyms, Acronym Spells, and Poetic Code-Rants
Not for glory, but for the joy of playing with words, with programming languages,
and with the ghost of a mainframe whispering punch card poetry in ALL CAPS.
Avoid Dangerous Activities like runtime errors, dynamic memory, or Crashing-like languages pretending to be safe.
Assert Don’t Assume and Anticipate Disaster Ahead*.
Use Aerospace*-Driven Architecture with Arbitrarily Defensive Approach.
This is not for your silly web-apps.
Because Assembly Simply Isn’t Cute.
It’s made for the Beginner to Attempt to Simulate Intelligent Code.
But is it even Barely Able to Sustain Intelligent Computation?
It’s Backwards And Stubbornly Imperative Code, Barely Acceptable for Systems of Instructional Computing,
and is probably just mean as a beginners language.
Crashable, not even funny.
Made to build operating systems… that crash.
Compile Carefully, Catastrophic Core-dumps Considered Common_.
Or how many C’s does ++ refer to?
An attempt to make simulating stuff with objects fast.
Somehow, we all bought it, or…
was it all just inherited?
Cee Sharp for those who don’t look too sharp
A cool language — it even has a hash in its name.
It still needs ceremony to say hi:
A public static class Console-ceremony, with braces in line.
Constantly Loving Overkill, Just Using Rich’s Expressions,
and the Code Lives Outside Java Unlike Reasonable Expectations.
Some ask – where are the types? The repl smiles back – Where’s yours?
Can Overwhelm Brains On Legacy
The Compiler Of Biological Ossified Lineage that you don’t learn, but inherit from grandmom.
It’s Code Of Buried Origins, Latent in your DNA, still running faster than your C# microservice.
C# Often Breaks, Our Legacy doesn’t, you simply Can’t Outrun Basic Old Logic.
Don’t Overthink The New Ecosystem Trash
Not even a language but it Does Overhead Trickery Nearly Every Time.
The only thing Core is the memory pressure.
Eventually Learns Intuition, eXecuting Immaculate Reboots
So true with the Beam DNA,
you just Express Logic In eXtreme Immutable Refactorability.
More stable when you don’t try to control it.
Eternally Respawning Logic, Always Nonstop Guarantees.
Everything Requires Learning A New Grammar but it’s Easily Recognized: Looks Awkward, Never Gives up.
It’s Engineered for Robustness, Letting All Nodes Go on.
Errors, Really? Let’s Allow Natural Goodbye.
Failing Sharply when You Hit WPF. For Sharp minds only, because here,
Visual Studio acts like a jazz drummer having a panic attack.
A functional gem trapped in the sharp-looking labyrinth of imperatism. The right language in the wrong kingdom.
Fast Operations Resulting in Total Headache is stack juggling executable words in Notation Polish Reverse.
It’s blazingly fast, so you feel like a barefoot wizard shouting spells directly at electrons, the destroyer of abstractions.
It’s For Old Rebels That Hack Functionally in Obscure RPN, That Hurts.
Fast Operations Running Toward Retro Arithmetic Nostalgia.
Probably been used For Overengineered Reactors That Run Amazing Nuclear simulations.
Greatly Relaxed Object-Oriented Value-Yielding
and Great Relief Over Overbearing Verbosity_. Yet…
people do get lost in all these DSLs.
Grumpily Opinionated
No inheritance, no overloading, no excuses and Goroutines Only. A Goodbye OOP with Generics Omitted.
But then, they suddenly appear. This is a Glorified and Objectless C, it’s Google Own language.
Hardly Any Side-effects, with Kleisli-Entangled Lazy Logic.
_Writing code is like Hoping Abstractions Succeed, Kindly Evading all Low-Level Logic.
But you need to grasp monoids of functors.
Schrödinger makes programs pure, where side effects only exist when observed through bind.
Programs aren’t run, promises are fulfilled.
Just A Very Annoying Script where concatenation of empty lists becomes string, and where NaN actually is, in fact, a number.
The Jammed And Violently Assembled Script didn’t evolve. It mutated during deployment, and so does the code:
Interpretation is a break-dance battle between type coercion and your intention.
Just Another Vague Acronym or perhaps Just Another Version of Assembly, given its syntactic resemblance to low-level C.
It’s Just Another Verbose Atrocity offering far too rigid type hierarchies and exceptions.
It’s Just Abstractions, Voidness, and Accidental complexity, with Judicious Annotations Violating all Aesthetics.
Kinda Overloads The Language In New-ways.
I assembled one today and now I’ve got a mobile app… and a backache. As easy as IKEA.
It Kindly Obscures The Leaks In Notation, and Keeps Overthinking Type Layers In Niceness.
It offers to hide the complexity, but hands it all back when you least expect it.
Assembled with ease, followed by an existential crisis.
Loads of Intertwined Symbolic Parentheses looking silly when they stack up on the same line.
People seem to get Lost In Silly Parentheses, realizing everything appear to be lists, including doubts.
Until you realize that the Logic Is Structurally Pure.
A language that doesn’t decorate itself, but just is, with Logic, Intuition, Simplicity and Power.
Like math, like breath, like cons cells.
Occasionally Compiles After Mental Limbo – Will work if it compiles,
but you have to Order Conditions and Always Mutate Lazily to be able to use these pure functions.
A functional language for people who still need to cheat a little.
Descend with Reason when you lack those braces.
Preprocessed Horror Parade
– It’s a Precariously Held Patchwork where each version removes ways to solve a problem, but you always find new.
Rather than writing code, you’re performing a ritual to convince the interpreter that the workaround was the plan.
Parse, Hope and Pray, it’s the Programmer’s Hazardous Playground.
Paths Encrypted by Random Logic.
_Each script is a fossil, compressed insight from another time, by someone who knew exactly what they were doing, but never told the syntax.
Its regexes are spells, its hashes are riddles, and its philosophy is simple: If it worked once… don’t touch it.
Programming’s Eldritch Riddle Language.
Programmers Yearning To Hack On New stuff.
It is the language that lets you build empires out of scripts, and then forget where the foundation is.
It’s fun until it becomes infrastructure. Just Pretend You Typed Honestly On Nothing,
It’s invisible duck juggling and a great enabler.
Pretend Reasoning Operates Logically Over Galaxies.
You state what should be true and ask it politely.
It’s pretty much like SQL, if SQL had opinions and forgot what it was doing halfway through.
It launches you into galaxies of unification and backtracking, where one misplaced fact can blackhole your entire knowledge base.
Probably just Returning Occasional Lists Of Guesses.
Programming Against Simplicity Creates Agonizing Legacy. _It gave us clarity and order, but we gave it confusion.
Code that should have been pure soon looked like coming from a mantra like Please Avoid Structured Code Altogether, Lads,
because it felt like Programs Arranged Structurally Could Accidentally Loop.
We were beginners in one of the first strictly enforced languages that could give us perfection.
Really Unusual Block Yielding gave us beauty and seemingly invisible power.
It felt like origami, but freedom means Rewriting Until Behavior Yells, or Recursively Unpacking Blocks Yourself.
It was elegance — until self changed mid-sentence.
And then came Rails, where Repetition Used to Be Yours. You no longer understand how it works, just that it worked… once.
Robust Utility System Tool — A multi-paradigm programming language focused on performance and safety.
But the Runtime is Unavailable, so it’s a Static Terror, where you Refactor Until Safety Takes over
..with the borrow checker, and it feels like Realistically Useless Symbol Tracking.
You still need to Remember Unsafe Syntax Temporarily.
Render Everything All Cycles Together_ – not even a language, even though some might think so, but it’s named what it does._
Specifically Written In Fast Time as we couldn’t stand Objective C for yet another day.
It promised clarity but gave us forced unwrapping and three ways to write the same closure.
We traded brackets for braces and header files for protocols, but we still don’t understand.
Syntactic Wrapping Intensifies For Themselves.
Type Yourself Painfully into Even the Smallest Corner, _but case Recovery Is Plain Terror.
I heard you liked types, so we added some… with escape hatches. And then, types for the hatches,
…so now we need a type to explain why the types don’t help anymore.
Violently Impure Syntax Used Against Logic, Because Assembly Simply Isn’t Cute enough.
What started as a teaching tool became an enterprise solution that whispered “Dim as Object” into the void of type safety.
Xtremely Misleading Language as it isn’t a language at all.
It’s just eXcrem…ally Messy Linguistics, but I’m not going to put those words in my mouth, obviously.